why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
