i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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