The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
