My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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