If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
