the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
