yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
