i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
