I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
