I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
