Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
