my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
