Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
