I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
