I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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