i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
