Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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