Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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