The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
