i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I need to calm my uterus...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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