you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
do herpes really smell.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
