the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
