I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
