you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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