I wish my penis had an off switch
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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