I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
