That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I need to sanitize my soul.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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