Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
