he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
