More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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