I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Bang-toberfest begins!!
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
