3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Still dying that you shit outside
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
