I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
