no, he came in my armpit
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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