I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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