When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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