So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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