you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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