i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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