just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
