i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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