a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
