Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
