i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
