The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
