just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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