I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
