My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Green mimosas i think yes
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
