Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
