I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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