clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Dear god my vagina.
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